Realizations - WangXian
by LiveLongAndPawsPurr
Summary: It is said that a member of the Lan Clan cannot reach their full potential for cultivation alone, they must find their fated one to do so. Lan Wangji has resigned himself to not having a fated one- that is until a chaotic whirlwind blows into the Cloud Recesses and starts to change his mind. AKA The catalogue of moments leading up to Lan Wangji realizing his feelings for WWX


A gentle breeze wafted in to the library pavilion, swirling the subtle notes of newly unfurled flowers around ancient tombs and lifting the corners of forgotten pages lying on the table, still wet with ink. A crease had etched itself between Lan Wangji's brows as his thumb lightly traced the bumps and edges of a Lover's Knot.

_"Lan Zhan, have you experienced love yet?" His brother said as he stared out over the valley below them. _

_Wangji did not have to respond, the slight downturn of his eyes was answer enough. Never in 14 years had Lan Xichen needed words to understand his little brother. _

_His lips upturned as he glanced fondly at him, "There is time enough for that later. The girls of Gusu Lan will not become any less skilled or beautiful- you will eventually find one that speaks to your heart." Lan Xichen looked back out towards the horizon, a type of softness lighting his eyes that Lan Wangji had not seen before. _

_Even though Xichen was not looking at his little brother, he could tell that the Second Jade of Lan held a question in a slightly raised eyebrow. He breathed out a slight laugh as a dusting of red creeped into his pale cheeks, "You're right, brother, I have a personal reason for this train of thought." His slight smile broadened across his face until it was almost as bright as the sun setting before them. "I think I am growing fond of a certain girl. Her eyes shine like lanterns in the moonlight and she has the skills to become an accomplished cultivator." He leaned back, resting his weight on the hands splayed behind him, legs slightly swaying back and forth over the edge of the boulder upon which they were reclining. "I think I have also caught her eye and I would soon like to make my intentions known." _

_He reached into the inner folds of his pocket and passed a bundle of red string to his brother. Lan Wangji took it and inspected the intricate loops and knots in his hand. _

_"It's a Lover's Knot." He paused a moment, "I have been practicing so that when the time comes I will have a perfect token of my affection." The blush on his cheeks grew more fierce and he looked down at his hands, "I- You are the only person I have told. I wanted you to know first because, maybe she will be our family." His gaze finally met his brother's, "I really want her to like me," he continued, his tone almost pleading. "Even though you have not been in love, you have a critical eye. Will you please help me make the perfect Lover's Knot?" He brought his hands in front of him and leaned slightly towards his brother, emphasizing his desperation, "Judge my progress. I trust you to be honest with me and tell me any flaws with my practice knots." A flash of determination set between his brows, "She deserves nothing less than perfection and I _Will_ give it to her."_

_Although Lan Xichen was the more lighthearted of the brothers, he had a fierce determination that, even if they were not connected by blood, would inspire Lan Wangji. He met Xichen's gaze and nodded. _

_The tension in Lan Xichen's shoulders visibly eased and he leaned back again, a small smile creeping back over lovely features that rightly earned him the admiration of young cultivators of all sects. "Thank you, brother. I will not forget this." _

_They had sat in comfortable silence a while longer until the sun had dipped below the trees and the world was awash in the purple of approaching night. _

Lan Wangji's thoughts wove in and out of the red loops as he continued to study his brother's handiwork. Yes, there was room for improvement- the sixth loop on the left was slightly looser than the others, and the overall design was simple and predictable- but his mind was not on the actual threads in his hand.

The Gusu Lan Sect had a reputation for being the strictest and most rigid cultivation sect, but what outsiders did not realize was that it's history was steeped in romance befitting volumes of poetry. The very foundation of the sect had been based on the love and mutual respect between cultivation partners, and the melody of this ancient romance still hummed through the very soul of every cultivator within its walls. It was an unwritten rule that, no matter how skilled an individual was, to attain the highest level of cultivation the Gusu Lan Sect could offer, one had to do it with a partner.

And this was the train of thought that had Lan Wangji's brows knitting closer together. Yes, he was only barely in his 14th year, but he had never had any semblance of romantic feelings towards the female cultivators. He could appreciate them as cultivators and he could see how others might find them visually pleasing, but he had never had anything more than friendly feelings towards them. How could he live up to the expectations of his uncle and his sect if he never found a partner?

Shards and alcohol exploded around them like fireworks as Bichen sliced through the ceramic jar of Emperor's Smile, sending streamers of wine flying and soaking into cloth as it connected with their robes. The smell stung Lan Wangji's senses but not as much as the acrid taste of pure fury seared across his skin and through his chest. How dare this guest disciple break not one, but several of Gusu Lan's rules at once? And on his first night, no less!

He did not know this boy, but he knew that he was marked for his enmity.

Lan Wangji's eyes narrowed every time he spotted Wei Wuxian's red and black robes. He was brazen, loud, and a miscreant- everything that stood in opposition to what Lan Wangji had been taught his entire life.

His uncle disapproved of him and so should he- so why didn't he? He couldn't quite put his entire heart into the glares he would send him and the narrowed eyes he would toss Wuxian's way when Wangji was forced to oversee his copying. Part of him almost admired and, dare he say, envied the freedom and carefree attitude that Wuxian approached everything in his life. Wangji had never been carefree, he was always calculating his actions, his reactions, how what he did reflected upon the Gusu Lan Sect. Wei Wuxian's free spirit drew Lan Wangji in like a moth to a lantern, although he would never admit it, leaving him with one question- what would it be like to be so free?

Lan Wangji walked in perplexed silence as he, his brother and the two Yunmeng Jiang Sect disciples made their way to Caiyi Town to exterminate water ghouls.

_"You wish for him to go as well, do you not?" _his brother had proclaimed after inviting the other two disciples. Why would Xichen think this? He had only discussed Wei Wuxian in the most frustrated of terms with his brother, detailing his shamelessness, his mischievous actions, and his constant provocation of Lan Wangji. But Lan Xichen had never once been wrong in reading his brother, even if Lan Wangji could not read himself. His brows furrowed as he tried to make sense of all of it.

"Something on your mind, brother?" Xichen's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

His earlobes tinged a slight pink, "no."

Xichen gave a slight smile, one that could possibly be described as a smirk, "of course not." And he pulled his attention back to the road they travelled.

Amongst the flurry of commotion of everyone mounting their swords to get away from the possessed water of Biling Lake, Lan Wangji saw Wei Wuxian dart down and grab Su She. The water took hold of the other boy's legs and began to drag him down into its depths. Wangji grabbed the back of Wuxian's robes and the combined force of Wangji and Wuxian let them break Su She from the water's hold and drag him to safety.

As Su She coughed up the water that had threatened to fill his lungs, Lan Wangji glanced over at Wei Wuxian, now deep in conversation with Jiang Wanyin. He had not even given a thought before putting himself in peril to save Su She. Was this really the same Wuxian who seemed so careless in every aspect of his life? Perhaps the Yunmeng disciple had some decent qualities after all.

Wei Wuxian looked up to see him staring and with an electric smile waved and called out, "Thanks for saving me, Lan Zhan!"

Wangji's earlobes tinted again as he turned away, spotting his brother looking his direction with that small smirk once again etched on his face.

It was another pleasantly mild day in the Cloud Recesses as Lan Wangji's fingers lightly strummed over the strings of his guqin, plucking out a familiar melody. Although it was not a song for cultivation, it held a certain ethereal quality as it detailed the slow coursing of a mountain stream through a meadow of wildflowers.

The song was as well known to Wangji as his own name and he found his mind wandering as his fingers automatically found their notes.

He once again thought of the conversation about love that he had with his brother a year ago. Lan Xichen had not in fact confessed to the object of his affection, her heart had ultimately belonged somewhere else, but his words from that conversation still remained heavy in Lan Wangji's thoughts. "_The girls of Gusu Lan will not become any less skilled or beautiful- you will eventually find one that speaks to your heart." _But none of them had. And it did not seem likely that any of them would. Did that mean that he was fated to be alone?

A slight tightness overtook his chest at this and he took several deep breaths to dispel the feeling. He emptied his mind of these thoughts, if he was destined to be alone then there was no use dwelling on that fact, and let the music take up every corner in his mind.

From the corner of his eye he could see the rabbits that Wei Wuxian had gifted him shift in their sleep. The black one nuzzled it's face into the white one's neck and the other tilted its head towards the contact.

"_They look like a pair, don't they?"_ Wuxian's comment from the day he gifted them echoed in Wangji's head. Yes, yes they did. The two were never more than a foot apart and squirmed and squeaked whenever they were separated. Even though they were both males, they had the same bond as two humans brought together by fate.

Lan Wangji had not noticed when his fingers started straying from the notes of the familiar song to something else. As he gazed at the sleeping rabbits, a brand new melody drifted from the guqin and filled the room. It was calm yet had the energy of a stream filled to the brim with new rain and there was an undercurrent of something- an emotion that Lan Wangji could not place, but that made the corners of his lips upturn into a small contented smile.

"I do not recognize this melody, brother. Is it a new composition?" The voice startled Wangji, his fingers faltering on the notes they were about to play, and he turned around to see his brother leaning on the doorframe. His earlobes quickly went from pink to crimson- how long had he been standing there watching the Lan Wangji equivalent of grinning like a fool?

Xichen gave him a warm smile, "Come walk with me. It is a lovely day and you have been practicing quite a while."

Lan Wangji looked once more over at the rabbits, ensuring they were still asleep, and followed his brother, closing the door behind them.

Lan Xichen led them outside of the walls of the Cloud Recesses into a well worn trail covered in wild flowers and dappled sunlight. Once they were out of sight of the Cloud Recesses, Xichen broke their comfortable silence, "How are your studies, brother?"

"They are going well, thank you."

"I expected nothing less from the Second Jade of Lan," he glanced over, a fond smile playing on his lips.

They walked a little longer in silence until Lan Xichen broke it yet again, "The song you were playing, was there an inspiration for it?"

Lan Wangji could feel his earlobes flush yet again, "no."

"I see." That brotherly smirk placed itself once again on Xichen's handsome features.

The forest really was lovely this time of year. The wildflowers were in full bloom and the birds were calling for mates in earnest, their songs echoing off the trees and blending together in an enchanting song.

They reached a small clearing near a stream and sat on an outcrop of boulders. Lan Wangji could tell that there was something his brother wanted to talk with him about, "Brother, is there something you wish to discuss with me?"

Lan Xichen smiled at him, "Sometimes I think you can read me almost as well as I can read you." This was not remotely the case, but Wangji did not argue. Xichen plucked a small purple flower and began to trace the edges of the petals, "Lan Zhan, there is more to life than studies and cultivation. I know it has been a while since we talked on this subject, but have you found someone who has caught your affections?"

This time Lan Wangji could feel his flush creep past his earlobes onto his neck and cheeks. "N-no." Why did he falter when answering? Was it just that he was caught off guard by his brother's question?

Lan Xichen smiled and gave a small nod, putting the flower he held in his hand back onto the forest floor. He leaned back on his hands and gazed out at the intertwining branches of the forest.

After a pause that seemed like an eternity to Lan Wangji, his brother said, "Did you know that Uncle had a lover when he was a guest disciple at the Lanling Jin Sect?" He paused, "A male lover."

If Lan Wangji was not a master of control he would have choked on the very air he was breathing. Even so, his eyes grew so wide that he felt they might fall out of his face. His Uncle had a male lover? And why was his brother telling him this?

Lan Xichen continued, "It could only last the few months he studied there, as the boy in question was already arranged to be married by his family. But he and Uncle had a very strong bond and if his hand had not already been tied, then he might have ended up here at Gusu Lan."

Lan Wangji's fingers gripped almost painfully into the boulder beneath him, "How do you know this?"

Xichen gave him a smug smile, "I have my resources." And left it at that.

Wangji almost could not bring himself to ask his most insistent question. He took a steadying breath, "And why are you telling me this?"

The forest around them seemed simultaneously eerily still and filled with cacophonous sound. The once melodic bird calls seemed frenzied and the rustling of small creatures seemed to press in all around them.

"I just thought it would be interesting to share some unknown family history," Lan Xichen winked at his brother and said nothing more.

And with that, the woods resumed its previous state. The birds were once again lightly singing, the animals were quietly gathering food for their families, and the creek burbled along beside them.

Lan Wangji was not a fool. He knew there was more reason for this story than just sharing family history, but it relieved him to know that his brother was not trying to lecture or judge him. Lan Xichen was giving him something that he thought could help his brother figure out his feelings on his own. Wangji was not sure exactly what that story was supposed to tell him, but he was grateful that Xichen was going to let him figure it out for himself.

The Tortoise of Carnage's blood spread like ink through the water, rippling where Lan Wangji dragged Wei Wuxian from the depths and hauled him onto land. He gently propped him up against the cave wall, panic rising as Wuxian's lids threatened to close. Wangji did not know if he could handle it if Wuxian's eyes shut and never opened again.

"Wei Ying, don't fall asleep!"

Wei Wuxian took a shaky breath and with his last ounce of energy rasped, "Then you…" he took another pained breath, "play a tune… and keep me awake"

Lan Wangji nodded once. At that moment, he would have done anything for Wei Wuxian.

He pulled out the strings he had used to decapitate the tortoise, the metal still stained with its blood, and strung it three times on a stalagmite. It was not Wangji Guqin, but it would have to do.

Lan Wangji stared for a moment at the strings, with no notes coming to his mind. His mind was filled with nothing except for the fear that Wuxian might not make it out of the cave. He glanced over at the other boy, struggling just to keep his gaze on the floor, fighting the unconsciousness that threatened to overtake him. Wei Wuxian had been so selfless and brave, sacrificing himself over and over again to make sure that everyone else had made it out alive. As he gazed at the other boy from beneath his lashes, his fingers suddenly started plucking out a melody familiar only to Lan Wangji. There were not enough strings on his make-shift quqin so he hummed to supplement the missing notes.

The song filled the cavern, wrapping itself around both of them in what hopefully conveyed to Wei Wuxian that there were people who were willing to protect him as well as he protected them. Wangji poured a plethora of emotions into the melody. After the first day he had absently plucked out the notes, he had retreated to a meadow deep in the forest to play it and meditate on its meaning. He did not know exactly why, but it felt like something that he wanted to keep for himself and not let others hear, it was for him alone.

The feelings that arose from the song had gone from confused but content to sad and regretful after Wuxian had been kicked out of the Cloud Recesses. After, Lan Wangji had snuck out almost every morning to play the tune as the sun rose, and with each successive morning, the song turned more and more into that of longing- the kind that you feel in your soul when you are away from home and wish to return- and another emotion that Lan Wangji had never been able to place.

As he played it now, all of these emotions mixed, fitting together as if they had always meant to be. This song had always been for himself, but he realized now, as he played while his robes were soaked in blood and a giant mythical beast lay slain not 100 feet away, that the song also belonged to Wei Wuxian.

This sudden realization left his breath catching on the next notes and he had to briefly pause to breathe back the emotion that threatened to strangle his throat.

He cared for Wei Wuxian. And he knew that Wuxian cared for him in some capacity, he would not spend so much energy teasing him otherwise, but he did not know if he cared for him in the same way.

Lan Wangji sat with this new awareness for a while, but then shook it from his mind. If he really cared for Wei Wuxian then he had to put all of his effort into making sure he would not fall asleep.

The next several days saw no rest for Lan Wangji. As Wei Wuxian stared glassy eyed at the floor, not really present but not asleep either, Wangji alternated between playing and humming so he could rest his voice and fingers without having to stop the music. He played through the endless hours of only Wuxian's breathing and the constants dripping of cave water to keep him company, through hearing voices shouting outside of the collapsed head of the cave, through the crashes and bangs of the rocks being removed, through when the sunlight eventually streamed into the cave, making him wince away from the unfamiliar brightness, all the way through when members of the Yunmeng Jiang Sect rushed forward to lift Wei Wuxian from the cave floor. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, but he kept playing until another member put a reassuring hand on his arm and everything turned to black.

Thirteen years is a long time to wait for someone who might never return. Thirteen years would be long enough to test the faith of even the most devout, but for the Second Jade of Lan of the Gusu Lan Sect no amount of time is enough to shake the faith he has that his fated one will return to him. Not even death could contain Wei Wuxian forever.

Everyday for thirteen years, Lan Wangji inquires the spirits about Wuxian. When he inevitably hears nothing, his fingers brush the strings of his guqin, pleading out to Wei Wuxian in a way that is singularly theirs. With every passing day, month, year the song becomes more despairing, more desperate. But there is never a response.

Until Dafan Mountain.

Lan Wangji gets his response while fire rages around them and the smell of corpses hangs fresh in the air in the form of a young man weilding a roughly carved and out of tune flute playing their song.

For Lan Wangji, the entire world falls away except around Wei Wuxian in his new body. For him there is no more sound, no more searing heat from the fire, no more danger from the corpses and goddesses that roam the mountain- there is only the pervasive and all consuming thought of _I finally found him._


End file.
